You expect your kids to grow up and enjoy healthy, happy lives. But what if their happiness—and wealth—far exceeds yours?
What begins as a concerted effort to support their interests can turn into mounting envy as you watch them attain levels of success that you never imagined. The shock of seeing your son or daughter launch a hot tech startup or earn celebrity status as, say, an actor or musician can leave you thrilled but also rueful.
“It’s healthy and normal to think, ‘I worked my butt off and I didn’t make all this money,’” said Dawn C. Carr, an assistant professor of sociology at Florida State University in Tallahassee, Fla. “You may also look at your kid and think, ‘When I was your age, I didn’t have the time to take risks and do the things you’re doing that led to these amazing outcomes.’”
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Jealousy can mix with bitterness as you reflect on sacrifices you’ve made that prevented you from pursuing your dreams. And now you crave a greater role in your child’s life, but with each passing year you become less of a participant and more of a spectator.
Trying to live your dream vicariously invites disappointment. Even if you remain close with your kid, you’re still on the outside looking in.
If you feel a tinge of regret, replace thoughts of resentment with a commitment to act on your long-deferred aspirations. Perhaps your child can open up doors to help restart your career by connecting you to agents or funding your entrepreneurial venture.
“Don’t think that because you’ve reached a certain age like 65, it’s all over now,” Carr said. “We’re good at making ourselves feel dissatisfied because we see all that others have,” but it’s better to turn that yearning into an action plan to do what you love.
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Ideally, your relationship with your kid allows you to speak from the heart. Along with sharing your joy in their success, you might propose how they can help you fulfill your potential as well.
“Most parents are extremely proud,” Carr said. “So if they do have those feelings, they tend not to share them.”
Suppressing your simmering anger will only breed more frustration. If you find yourself privately wishing for your child’s comeuppance, that’s a bad sign.
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Young adults who gain fame and wealth face varying degrees of stress. It’s easy to see their lives as endlessly blissful, when in fact they may feel lonely and overwhelmed.
“Everybody has struggles,” Carr said. “Don’t assume, ‘Oh, they’re rich. They have no problems.’ If they feel your resentment, it can lead to rejection of them listening to you.”
Instead, position yourself not just as a loving parent but as a trustworthy friend. Show genuine concern for their well-being. Convey that you’re not only on their team but also that you love them and care about their happiness.
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But what if your child is too busy—or simply unwilling—to include you in her glorious life of private jets and soirees with stars?
“Remind yourself of your role in facilitating your child’s success,” said Preston Ni, professor of communication studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, Calif. He suggests replacing negative thoughts with life-affirming declarations such as, “This is part of my legacy.”
He also favors using the word “actually” to adopt a fresh perspective. Rather than stew in jealousy, tell yourself, “Actually, he wouldn’t be where he is without me” or “Actually, I have great friends and I’m happy with my life right now.”
“It’s a mental reframe,” said Ni, author of “How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions.” “Using ‘actually’ kills off negative thoughts.”
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