3rdPartyFeeds News

The Moneyist: I am a white woman of privilege and a single mother. I need a ‘zinger’ to stop my sister-in-law telling me why I have it so good

The Moneyist reveals his 5 golden rules for dealing with difficult people. Read More...

Dear Moneyist,

I am a white woman of privilege. I am also the full-time working single mother of an adopted child, and I have led a very successful career. While I have benefited throughout my life from my parents’ financial support, even though I have never married, my parents have worked hard to keep things financially equal among me and my siblings.

My issue is this: My sister-in-law constantly makes snide comments about how I have it so good. She implies that my brother/her husband and my father support my lifestyle. My brother has NEVER given me any money, and any money I get from my parents, she and my brother get annually too. I would never accept money from my brother unless I were in dire straits, and even then I would do it transparently with her input and support.

Dispatches from a pandemic: ‘The fates of the refugees and their Jordanian hosts are intertwined.’ What coronavirus means for Jordan — and its Syrian refugee population

In fact, my brother inherited my father’s business so, in reality, they have benefited the most financially from my parents. I love my sister-in-law. She is not easy, but we have a good relationship and I know that she loves my daughter unconditionally. That said, this has been going on for years, and I am so angry about it I feel like I am going to snap.

I want to ask her why she thinks this is the case, and point out that my brother inherited my dad’s business (which continues to do quite well). But I don’t know how to do this without sounding angry and defensive. I feel like her perception is her reality, and anything I try to say to defend myself will fall on deaf ears. I also think she and my brother help out her family financially and, therefore, she has a raw nerve.

Regardless, I have worked hard and done well, and her snide comments really p— me off. I am worried that one day I might just lose it. I just want a one-line zinger to shut her up when she says these things, which she only does when we’re alone. Oh, and don’t ask me to talk to my brother — he bows down at her feet and wouldn’t want to get involved. Any suggestions, other than continue to ignore her comments to keep the peace?

Ready to lose it

Dear Ready,

There’s one thing worse than a family fighting over a will, and that’s a family competing with one another over who gets the most financial support from their parents. Actually, they’re both equally bad. No number of zingers will vanquish your sister-in-law, but I do have some advice for you.

Your sister-in-law has been renting space in your head for free, and I support your effort to put an end to it. People bring their own hang-ups to family gatherings. Happy people don’t feel the need to put other people down in order to make themselves feel or look better. But that’s her concern.

‘First, you set boundaries with other people — snarky sister-in-laws, sarcastic siblings, competitive coworkers or crafty car dealers — then you set boundaries with yourself. You must do BOTH.’

First, you set boundaries with other people — snarky sisters-in-law, sarcastic siblings, competitive coworkers or crafty car dealers — and then you set boundaries with yourself. You must do BOTH. You ask your neighbor to stop making noise and, regardless of the outcome, lock the room on this in your head.

The same is true for salary negotiations. Know where your red line and white line are, and speak up. It’s OK to ask for things, it’s OK to not get them, but it’s also OK to know what you will accept and what you will not accept. You need to know your needs first in order for others to meet them.

Chris Voss, a former Federal Bureau of Investigations negotiator, understands this double boundary issue when dealing with people. “The No. 1 rule in any negotiation is don’t take yourself hostage. People do this to themselves all the time by being desperate for ‘yes’ or afraid of ‘no,’” he previously wrote for MarketWatch.

“So they don’t ask for what they really want,” he added. “Instead, they ask for what they can realistically get. I’ve heard many people say, ‘Well that’s a non-starter so we won’t even bring it up.’ By doing so, they’ve taken themselves hostage. Their counterpart has already won.”

The Moneyist:‘We bet on the wrong horse’: I co-signed my nephew’s $55K student loan: He has no degree and no job. What should we do?

The philosopher Alain de Botton in his book, “Status Anxiety,” says we usually choose people we consider to be our equals to compare ourselves to. “We cannot appreciate what we have in isolation, nor judge against the lives of our medieval forbearers,” de Botton writes.

“If we learn through ill-advised attendance at a school reunion that some of our old friends are now living in houses larger than our own, bought on the proceeds of more enticing occupations, we are likely to return home nursing a violent sense of misfortune,” he adds.

Only people we deem equal to us incite this. “It is the feeling that we might be something other than what we are that generates anxiety and resentment,” he adds. “If we are small and live among people who are all of own height, we will not be unduly troubled by questions of size.”

I could give you lots of zingers. “Why don’t you take this tin of cat food and eat supper at home instead?” Or, “You have a case of jelly belly brought on by eating too many sour grapes.” Or, “I’m just happy that I inspire in you feelings of adequacy.” I could go on zinging. But please do NOT do it.

Your sister-in-law likely compares herself to you. You can’t prevent that. You can, perhaps, take it as a compliment. It upsets you because you expect something better of her. Don’t. You can’t change her. Maybe you would like her respect. But the only person who truly needs to respect you is you.

I get it. No one likes unsolicited advice or commentary. Don’t give your opinions on how you think they should conduct their work, behave in their personal lives or even how they should wear their hair — not unless you are asked. It’s actually pretty easy to get through the day without judging others.

But it takes practice.

Here are my five golden rules for dealing with difficult people:

1. A question is better than a statement. “What do you mean by that?” is more productive than “That’s a horrible thing to say.” That’s when it all kicks off. You plug into the hurt and anger, and it becomes a messy, emotional exchange instead of a transparent fact-finding mission.

2. Tell them how you feel, not what they are: “Comments like that hurt my feelings.” If she says you can’t take a joke and/or tries to deflect by saying she meant X or Y, say it again: “It hurt my feelings.” If she does it again, say, “Remember I asked you not to make comments about my life?”

3. Don’t lie to them. Smiling politely (or sarcastically) when someone makes an unflattering comment can feel like you’re taking the moral high ground, but seldom does it make us feel better afterwards. It’s also not an honest or authentic response. Ignoring such slings and arrows creates resentment.

4. Don’t get into the sandbox. If your sister-in-law wants to get a rise out of you by throwing some shade, responding in kind will feed her habit and you will do yourself a great disservice. If you get into a debate or shouting match with an irrational person, there will be two crazy people, not one.

5. A friend who teaches kindergarten children tells them about the importance of having agency over their own bodies. If someone says or does something that makes them uncomfortable, she tells them to say, “Stop. I don’t like that.” If they do it again? Put the emphasis on: “STOP.”

If you tell someone what your needs are and they don’t abide by that, it’s a boundary problem they have with the world. Your sister-in-law is really telling you how she feels about herself and her life when she throws shade. Enjoy your success. Ultimately, her comments have nothing to do with you.

The Moneyist:My brother is in his mid-50s and nearly lost his home twice. Should I give him half of my inheritance to pay off his mortgage?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to coronavirus at [email protected]. Want to read more?Follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitterand read more of his columns here.

Hello there, MarketWatchers. Check out the Moneyist private Facebook FB, +2.05%  group where we look for answers to life’s thorniest money issues. Readers write in to me with all sorts of dilemmas. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.

Read More

Add Comment

Click here to post a comment