Dear Moneyist,
I work full-time and I am also the caregiver and power of attorney for my 90-year-old partner who lives with me in Virginia. His daughter lives in Pennsylvania and his son lives in Florida. These children visit on occasion, but want no part in his care. They borrow money and don’t give it back.
I am resentful that they don’t want to help. He is independent, but has short-term memory loss. I’ve tried conference calls, but the last one was a disaster.
I am resentful and angry that they don’t want to help. He is a widower and I am divorced. He is still pretty independent, but has short-term memory loss. I have tried family conference calls, but the last one was a disaster. His daughter said she would go on vacation with her father, but wouldn’t take him to a doctor’s appointment.
How can I deal with my anger and my partner’s adult children’s selfishness? And how can I make sure that my partner has enough money to care for himself when the time comes? And still take care of myself? I know it’s a two part question. Everyone tells me to forget his children, but I can’t.
Angry caregiver in Virginia
Dear Angry,
The time you have left with your partner is limited.
You rightly feel stressed about his care resting on your shoulders alone, and you may likely be experiencing a lot of fear about the deterioration of his health. You love this man, after all. Rather than processing those anxieties, you could be turning them into anger towards his children.
You have a full-time job. You take care of your partner, and you have implored his family to help. I take all my hats off to you for shouldering these responsibilities.
You have a full-time job. You spend all your waking hours taking care of your partner, and you have implored his family to help you. I take all my hats off to you for shouldering these responsibilities. And I’m sorry that your efforts to bring him closer to his children have been in vain.
You love him and he loves you, and I can’t imagine what it would be like to deal with this alone. It’s a huge amount of financial and emotional stress. Studies show that women are the ones who are caregivers for family members, and they are most often unpaid: wives, mothers, daughters, sisters.
Of course, it’s possible for children in another state to take their father to the doctor. Any children with a 90-year-old father would presumably want to drive six hours every month or so to see their parent and spend the weekend, a long weekend or longer there. Magic happens in those small moments of life and, yes, it would mean a lot to your father and take some pressure off you.
An estimated 43.5 million adults in the U.S. have provided unpaid care to a beloved partner, parent or a child within the prior 12 months, according to the AARP Public Policy Institute, the advocacy group for Americans aged 50 years and older. And 60% of those carers are women.
The AARP and others have helpful guides for preparing to care for an elderly family member. This includes figuring out your partner’s future needs and forming a team. If his son and daughter are not willing to be part of that team because they don’t care enough and/or live in different states, let go.
There are many online resources that can help you figure out if your partner qualifies for state and federal benefits, and private programs to pay for groceries, prescription drugs, health insurance and home help. Some 30 million households are caring for an adult over the age of 50. You’re not alone.
Isolating someone is one of the first hallmarks of elder financial abuse. You want to do the opposite! You want them to help. I applaud you for these efforts.
Ask your own family, and your friends to provide support, even if it’s emotional and social support. Without the advantage of home help, if you had half-a-dozen friends, family or neighbors who could visit even once a month, that would give you some time every week to see a counselor and/or rest.
Focus on the solution rather than those two problems who live in other states. Set yourself weekly goals. Talk to your lawyer and bank manager about your partner’s finances and will. Include him in any conversation about his finances. What, for instance, happens to your home after he dies?
I’ve received so many letters from children whose stepmother or stepfather has cut them off from having access to an elderly parent. Isolating someone is one of the first hallmarks of elder financial abuse. You want to do the opposite! You want them to help. I applaud you for these efforts.
Don’t let his children become the focus of your worries and resentments and stress. Time is limited and you won’t thank yourself after your partner dies if you spend the next several years being unhappy. His children are depriving you of help. Why let them deprive you of your happiness too?
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